My wonderful friends and family have been praying for me today. Boy did I need it! This morning was terrible. Just thinking about it now makes me cry all over again. I miss my boy. I know Brady is fine and in good care. It's me who is not fine. I'm the one with separation anxiety. One of the most painful reminders was looking back at the infant mirror and seeing an empty car seat base while driving in this morning. I am so used to seeing a happy baby, sometimes a furrowed-brow baby face, and sometimes even a purple tera dactyl back there. Honestly, I'd take the purple tera dactyl over the empty car seat base any day! I called Amanda (who also works for Booz Allen and who returned from maternity leave about 7 weeks ago) and it was good to just bawl with someone who completely understands. She assures me it gets easier...I don't know. :(I wish stopping my tears was as easy as popping a paci in!
At any rate, I get in to work and am distracted immediately because I stop at my manager's office before even getting to mine. We wound up talking and catching up for 3 hours. It really was a nice distraction and I was professional and didn't cry at all! (lol, I sound like a pre-schooler) I felt very much like a fish out of water though. I was familiar with my surroundings, but just not comfortable. Funny thing: it was during my morning pumping session that I felt the first semblance of normalcy.
Okay, so back to my realization today that God is good and prayers were answered. At about 11:00 I received an urgent voice mail message from the ServPro representative. I've been stalking this lady for three days now in an attempt to get our molding basement on the road to recovery. The company has been unable to keep a schedule lately due to the long list of people with flood damage. They've been doing ad hoc appointments and calling spur of the moment. That was fine when I was home. Today it could have been a bit of a challenge. She was calling to ask if I still wanted them to come out. Yes! She says, "Good, the crew will be there in about a 1/2 hour." WHOA! I pack up my office and inform my manager that I'm unable to log on to the network anyway (my access has not been reactivated yet) so my plan was to go home, log on from there, and meet the crew. She is completely flexible and approves of my plan.
The entire way home, I'm realizing God has answered our prayers and He of course has a plan and it all works out. I thank God for the flexibility that my job offers...that the first day back I can leave after only being there for 4 hours and go home. I'm not home but 2 minutes when 4 ServPro vans pull up front. Wow! Good timing! As I'm answering questions and helping the crew move our personal items, I am again thankful for how things have worked out. If Brady hadn't been at daycare today, there's no way I could have done this. Now, it doesn't make me miss my little man any less, but I realize again that "everything happens for a reason." Thank you Lord! So my prayers lately have been that God help me work through this transition (okay really I was praying that we win the lottery so that I could just stay home with my baby). So the answer is not quite what I expected (yes, Tiffany you can stay home!), but I've realized that God answers prayers, He has a plan, and that we truly are blessed. I'm still not giving up on the lottery windfall prayer though! ;p
Now I'm sure one day we'll look back on the petri dish we call our basement and be able to identify why we were blessed with the flood and the good that came of it...
Okay, it's 4:30 and I'm more than ready to go get my boy!
---------------------------------------
Update: pictures added. Yes, I was a total baby hog tonight. Poor Brett. I warned him though...I told him he wouldn't get to hold Brady tonight b/c he was all mine tonight and that I deserved it! :)
I ran (with the snap-and-go stroller to fit the car seat which we left at the daycare this morning) all the way to the daycare. I didn't want to drive b/c I didn't want to put Brady in his car seat and not see him and snuggle with him. Well I underestimated how cold it was- lol! So I wound up still having to put him in his car seat and stroller. But laughed, talked, and cried happily looking at him the whole (1/4 mile) way home. The daycare providers reported that he did really well and slept for 1 hour in the AM and 2 hours in the PM. Go figure! I get no more than 30-45 min. catnaps from him! Anyway, I snuggled and loved on that little boy all night. Now he's asleep and I miss him again. Good thing it's the weekend and we get two whole days all together!
2 comments:
Oh Tiffany. I am so mad at myself for not checking in on you earlier this week. I could have been praying for you as you started back to work. I cannot believe that that time is already here. I worked in corporate finance for 15 years. My job was stressful and demanding and long hours but that was all before I had kids. So, I can only imagine how you are feeling as you drop Brady off and you realize your perspective is so different than it was even just six months ago. That's ok. You are allowed to feel that way. Just pray each day for "His" will to be done. Pray for peace and sustenance and yes, joy, as you go to the office each day. If your heart's desire is to stay home full time at some point, start praying about that with Brett. Be in agreement about it. The Lord will open those doors in His time making those provisions for you and your family. If your desire is to continue working, keep praying for that flexibility that was so mercifully shown to you this week. Pray for Brady's caregivers and know that your neighbors will always help you out in a pinch. I will be praying alongside you.
I am sorry Tiffany - you look so sad and I can't imagine how you felt, but it looks like you got through it and like you said everything works out how it is supposed to work out. Brady has got a great mommy who loves him so much! He is a lucky lil guy :)
Post a Comment